Sunday, January 8, 2012
A bit of peace at last
My plastic surgeon wisely told me that there would come a point at which I would know. The right decision for me would make itself known, he said. I had no idea how this would happen, but it did. It started when I was writing the final two paragraphs of the previous post, and solidified at Friday's knit night. I pulled up the previous blog entry on my phone and it was passed around, saving me from having to repeat myself or make a loud proclamation in public. I was asked insightful questions, offered loving advice and thoughts. I've always known I had a fabulous support system, but that night I felt it to my marrow. After all the stress and exhaustion, I got to laugh, to be loved, to be a friend, and it was wondrous. I came home and I realized that I'd actually felt happy all evening, something that hasn't happened in far too long. I woke up the next morning and realized that I felt peaceful - I was near tears from sheer relief. The endless tests are at last over, the not knowing, the out-of-control nature of cancer, has given way to A Plan. The only thing left is to call the scheduling folks, have the actual surgery, then come home and recover. Of course it won't be easy, and I'm sure there will be more fear involved at some point - after all, I still have cancer, and this is pretty major surgery - but I finally believe I can do it. I finally believe in my own strength again, in my ability to cope with this nightmare. I'll emerge with a new, cancer-free body, and knowledge that I BEAT CANCER, BITCHES!